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Post-draft FMR Power Rankings

So, there just wasn’t enough room in the Yahoo message board for me to get all this down. We’re stepping the shit talk up a notch this year, and I’m securing my place as Most Hated Upon. And sure, it’s a little early for power rankings, but I feel it’s important to make it clear where everyone stands. We don’t want anyone having unrealistic expectations; for instance, making the playoffs, or say, winning a game. Without any further adieu…

#1. Father of JC

Oh, man. How the fuck did you fools let me get Jamaal Charles AND Shady McCoy? Not to mention the Gates of Hell, the ol’ vet Reggie Wayne, and Dez ‘Next-Year’s-Keeper’ Bryant! I got this locked up. Sure, it’s Quarterback by Committee, but my guys will certainly put up better numbers than at least one of those chump QBs drafted in the first round. Y’all fucked up. Projected record: 13-0

#2. Extra Medium Giants

MJD and Peterson: historically these guys have been great backs. Key word ‘historically’. MJD’s got a bum knee, and Peterson better learn how to catch slant passes three inches from the ground now that he’s playing with McNabb. Solid WRs in Fitzgerald and Boldin (though their QBs are big question marks), and I like LT as a backup RB. Hopefully those schmedium t-shirts don’t cut off your circulation when it’s time to set the lineup. Projected record: 11-2

#3. Team Spanky

This team should be good until about week five when Vince Young takes over for Vick. BTW, nice move keeping a RB who’s third on the depth chart. Overall an alright team, but this is one of the two teams who drew the short straw of having to play the Swatmore Hardcore twice. Projected record: 9-4

#4. Cowboys From Hell

Supposedly Mendenhall learned how to catch passes in the off season. We’ll see. V-Jax as a round 15 was a steal, but this team has more questions than a five year old in the backseat on a roadtrip to Disney World. Will the Giants offensive woes continue? Will Owen Daniels stay healthy? Can Blount repeat last year’s performance? Will Vincent Jackson be the first player arrested this year? Projected record: 8-5

#5. Bremrockets

Well, it was either keep Peyton or Foster, but it looks like they both could be out week one. This has got to be one of the least exciting lists of names drafted. A whole lot of mediocrity on this roster. When Cam Newton has the most upside on your roster, you gotta hope for the best. She soared in the playoffs last year, but this year’s bottle rocket looks like it’s a dud. Projected record: 8-5

#6. Bulldog

‘Bout to get neutered. Will they let Frank Gore and Steven Jackson on the field with their walkers, or will their nurses have to help them out there? This team is gonna dissolve like the Alka-Seltzer you’ll be chugging by week 8. Oh, but hey, thanks for helping Tim and Matt decide to draft a QB with their first pick, even though the decent ones were long gone. Projected Record: 7-6

#7. Stretching O Rings

That’s ok, Running backs are overrated. Looks like Brandon Jacobs might be the first one arrested if they press charges over that fist fight on the field. Ah, but you got LawFirm as a backup! What do they have in New England now, 7 running backs? Projected record: 6-7

#8. Smell My Ass Hair

Dat ass hair is gonna get waxed once again. Still holding on to Thomas Jones, eh? I don’t think he’ll be getting as many scraps from Red Jesus as he did last year. I think Ry still gets in the playoffs on a losing record, though, because the failure from these other teams is just too strong. Projected Record: 5-8

#9. Clusterfuk

This team puts the STD in Stud. Who’s Brandon Marshall’s QB, anyway? Maybe Miami can lure Koy Detmer out of retirement; that’d be a huge improvement. That’s ok, Felix Jones will make it up with all two of his touchdowns. And hey, Reggie Bush looked great last week (negative 1 yard on 5 attempts vs. Tampa ‘8th-worst-run-defense-2010’  Bay). Great value there in round seven. Projected record: 5-8

#10. Hands Team

Hey, Hot Hands, you’re the best player on my team. Thanks for passing on Shady McCoy for Peyton Manning. Good luck week one with that sore neck. Projected record: 4-9

#11. Young Jaunt

Matt Ryan, Round One. What a pick. Ryan over MJD, Forte, McFadden, Fitz, and every other player picked until round three. And yo, who the fuck is Michael Jenkins? Round 2? This guy hasn’t had a career since Michael Vick was locked up. His two other best players are Chris Johnson, who still might pull a Vincent Jackson this year, and Marques Colston, fresh off of knee surgery. The failure is strong with this one. This draft turned failure into an art form. The only saving grace is his schedule…guess who he gets to play twice.  Projected Record: 2-11

#12. TimmyTheTiger

How bout dem Tigers? Philip Rivers baby! I think Tim got his draft advice in Seventeen Magazine. No wonder you wanted Brady so bad. And Big Ced Benson, with the cast of Gossip Girls as his O Line? This is the softest team in the league by far. We’re gonna have to rename this team Baby Thighs. Or Timmy’s Dandelions. Or The Training Bras. Rest assured, somehow he’ll pull it all together after he misses the playoffs, win the Toilet Bowl, and snatch up Michael Jenkins as the first overall pick next year. Projected record: 0-13

Feeling shortchanged? Put it in the comments.

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